If you love to laugh, then you are in the right place.

Feel free to post your own!

 

There was a king once who was 12 inches tall. Terrible king, great ruler.

 

After his recent stay in the hospital, Pa was particularly irritable, especially regarding food. At a nearby restaurant he stopped for a quick meal and the waiter provided a bowl of soup.

As the waiter turned away to return to the kitchen Pa stopped him, calling: "Waiter!"

"Yes ,sir, is there something wrong?"

"The soup. Taste it," replied Pa.

"I beg your pardon, Sir?"

"Taste it."

"But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."

"Taste it," Pa persisted.

"Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."

"Taste it!"

The exasperated waiter finally relented. "All right, Sir, I'll taste it." Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"

To which Pa replied triumphantly, "Ah ha ... "

Missing Husband

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

• Who was the roundest knight in King Arthur’s court?
  Sir Cumference.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

went to the hardware store and walked past the stud finders.

The noise was unbearable! 

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell the wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.

The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!"

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

At my funeral, I would like there to be a piñata so people can be happy ... but filled with bees so they're not too happy.

  While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed so the woman said, "That's OK, it's in coupon heaven now."

 

"Coupon heaven?" the checker said.

 

"Yes," the woman said, "that's where coupons go when they die."

 

"Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.

A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a

Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.  

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it's reindeer.

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

Wanted:

Someone to brush their teeth with me because 9/10 dentists say brushing alone won't help tooth decay.
No weirdos please.