Autumn75

Saturday 28 June, 2025 4:31 AM Well, Good morning from Canada everyone... Yes, an early morning. Think I have been up for about an hour or so. It took awhile last might for my meds t9 kick in, but around 9 ish PM I found s myself very sleepy, to the pointt where I could not fight sleep out of fear.I have alread6 taken my morning meds, alreadythe brain zaps have set in. I am anxious. Yet detached all at once. I hope andpray M s churci is as welcoming and non jjudgemental as be says it is. Well tine to charge my phone Ought to have plugged it last night whenI to bed... I know I am doing something good for myself today, but.. I am as terrified of the Something New as I was at age 6... Anyway, enough for now. Blessings all. 🩷🪻🦜🌿🌸🐈🐳🦢🐋☕️🌼🦔🐤🐘🌻 🇨🇦

Welcome, welcome @Jane 🙂

7:35 PM

Confused Afraid. Attacked. Burdened.

Welcome @tanya6mason . I am sincerely sorry for all you are afflicted with. I have a myriad of MH dxs, and certainly GAD as well as my OCD have triggered many, many panic attacks in my life, but I will not pretend to be in your shoes, as I can't imagine enduring several a day... I have trouble getting out the door myself, and tend to Avoid things my head has built up as being utterly terrifying... Please try and be gentle with yourself and show yourself much self compassion for you are trying to cope with carrying a debilitating a and heavy burden that is no fault of your own. Glad you joined us though. We care, we want to hear your voice, of course only as much as you feel comfortable with. I get a lot out that is overwhelming me through.the journal/blog board here. Even if nobody reads or replies it is a great outlet where you might feel comfortable sharing. Know, in the least of things, being here you arenot wholly alone with your struggles Take good care of you.🩷

Turmeric and lemon water.

Friday 27 June, 2025 4:34 PM Hello, all... Have attempted to write an entry here for a couple days,but the heat, my sciatic pain, my fatigue...anxiety. Thank God it has been overcast and rainy and blessedly cooler the past two days. Been slightly cooler in my place, but only one window with a screen that only opens a crack, so not much cool air has been able to circulate in my " home"... I am outside again, McEvil black iced coffee next to me, sun came out, with ny dread, and here I am again under the shade of a majestic maple tree. Two dogs are barking at one another. I feel like all I can do is to escape THAT PLACE as it is such a depressing dump. I tried very hard to clean my bathroom but as I told J., my supportive housing worker, I can't manage the simplest of house hold tasks apart from maybe doing my dishes, wiping my " kitchen" counter down. Even lifting the trash bag outta the can is too hard on my back. She was supposed to come help me,"Until homeccare will help." I have a feeling the waiting list for government funded homecare is bl**dy ten years long. By then they will have shipped me off to some even more depressing and deplorable nursing home. I was thinking, as I often have,( forgive me I suppose I am feeling sorry for myself.) yesterday,"I will never own my own home" Of course, I am luckier than those on the streets in my city who have nowhere at all to go. I just hate my building now, hate my run down apartment where I have been since after running to the streets from my ab*sive ex in 07. So much has deteriorated where I live. "Maintenance "? They don't maintain anything. All J. Can do is forward more and more bl**dy " work orders" for everything that needs to be done in my place. A whole year ago.she told me I am entitled to have my place painted every ten years. She put in a " request to " management ". A painter with paint has yet to materialize so I am about ready to shell out hundreds of dollars I don't have to hire my boyfriend's painter friend who, will " give you a deal." I'm sorry. I feel so...weighted down right now. I have little cash right now andthe small limit on my credit card is maxed out. Thank God I get my disability on the 30th. Anyway, around lunchtime I found myself feeling ( scary for me, still far from recovered mentally from my anorexia.) hungry...all I had in the house was some strawberries, couple lemons.. So,headed to my old mission church where just last week I had, with great reservations nearly decided to return to. I love my old priest there, but...I don't know how honest he is. But this little mission church does lot of good, even though I remain suspicious of how much money they actually have. But, they do feed and clothe the poor. ( With a lot of government and community support.) I just also don't trust their ideology, and while some people greet me warmly, others, like today when I bit the bullet and went around 1 to have lunch, feeling like a horrible hypocrite, well one woman who has for the most part treated me with a very un Christian like coldness, turned and looked at me and gave me a really dirty look. I ate...even the bl**d sugar spiking white rice. A bit of sourdough dipped in my vegetarian soup, grilled mushrooms and cauliflower, salad thankfully not drenched in sugary dressing... Fr N sat at the table with me, he said he had been thinking about me today and asked if I had gotten his message...clued out I told him Yes I emailed you back. He said he didn't get it, and that he had left me a voicemail, and then I remembered and said,Oh, I didn't press 5 to get your number, I'm sorry.He didn't say much to me, except to shake his head that my building has yet to give me working a/c. He was busy talking low to a man about the business of the place, and it was crowded and noisy and I felt like I was suffocating, as I often do there. Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for the meal. And later, talking to M ( my boyfriend) I told him he was going to think me a huge hypocrite, criticising that church and then going for a free meal...butthen I said that I have given them a lot of money, food, and flowers for the chapel.over the past 5 years.. and I hardly ever ate there.( Well, I was deep in the quicksand of anorexia nervosa for a few years...) Anyway, I guess I could have/should have asked Fr.N.if he had time to chat over coffee, but...even though I had written him a rather emotive desperate email asking him to answer my questions, counsel me, I changed my mind...feeling a strange sickness of distrust rise up in me... For a long time now,M has been asking me, well...pushing me, to come to his church, meet his " really really nice "priest .. Saturdays the Liturgy is in English, and he told me last week he had told his priest about me, and that I am " shy" * M doesn't even try to understand that because of my anxiety and my social anxiety which is bordering on social phobia now situations terrify me.But that has his priest said apparentlyhe us " eager" to meet me. Well he asked me again today, And I brightly and firmly said,Yes!,but that I want to get there right at 9 when the Liturgy begins even though he usually goes late...he stays up all night, has trouble waking up in the morning. I told him I will take my night meds early since I have been sleeping through my alarm most days thanks to the titration of my pregablin which I still have mixed feelings about staying on... At the moment my anxiety over Something New is low in the background...how I long to go to a good church. But my OCD has my head churning up worst case scenarios...that I will embarrass him somehow. I tend to Avoid. A d the avoidance only keafs to stagnation and depression. ...Ok. I am back in my " home" now, I can't believe it'safter 6. My pharmacy's delivery guy just showed up with my 3 days of meds in the blister pack. Not hungry for dinner. Even if I was, all I can afford isa can of beans and I can't manage walking to the store now. Feet k***ing me. So tired. Maybe pop my night meds soon. Wake up in the middle of the night as I used to. My body is crying out for rest. Dreading the weekend here in this slum, next to affluent neighbours with expensive patio furniture, fear " nice" weather and them obnoxiously partying loudly all night. I think I will pour a glass of turmeric and lemon water and pop my night meds. I can't cope with the endless daylight any longer and want to wake up early to...gulp...go with M to his church in the morning. Hopefully he will wake up early too. With that, I will spare you all any more of my dull dull life..and my lack of a single positive thought. Church usually uplifts me. Pray it will be true of tomorrow. Sending you all love and serenity.🩷🐇

Suspicious.

Red grapes. Full of sugar, but have read a lot thst they help esdr chronic pain...

Thank you so much for this, @Enigma I had to c*t both my brothers off ( one whom passed away a couple years ago whom I hadn't spoken to for more than 30 years) the other one ( a text book narcissist) I let back into my life only to end up enduring his ab*se and having to c*t him out of my life again. So I completely relate to what you have shared. Thank you again.❤️

@Enigma Oh so pleased that your hearing aides have made such a positive difference in your life! Certainly being impaired can be isolating.

Thank you for your eloquent perspective, @sabrina.. One .of my dxs is refractory OCD, and my pyschiatrist/ therapist told.me, 100 % of people with OCD also suffer from depression. I had my first episode at age 17, and now at nearly 50 years old I am having a hard time with living with deep regrets, and bittersweet memories when life was a lot better. In my darkest hours, Dr.S has always told me, " Tomorrow can be a good day " And with his chronic " glass half full" attitude, that often makes me feel angry...but you know? He is absolutely right... Now, in my most despised and hard time of year, my birthday looming, I find mysef outside, smiling ( !!!) at people's beautiful gardens, at the birds, people's friendly sweet dogs... So...indeed even MDD can lift. If, only for moments ... Anyway , @sabrina thank you for your great insight.❤️

Welcome @treehouse72🙂 Glad you're here with us. This is a safe space with a very warm and empathetic group of people whom are hereto listen and support you and celebrate your wins. You're most welcome to share, at your own pace of course.

Welcome, @sabrina🙂 Lovely to meet you! Please feel free to reach out for support and connect with us on this new growing forum. Looking forward getting to know you!

Disturbed b6 early morning nightmare. Over medicated, growing anxious...

McEvil, the park, so far.

McEvil cashier.

Quiet.

Clean, as it us a little cooler in my place today...well, clean as much as my sciatica will allow me to. Call the drop in. Ask if they have a vegetarian option for a meal today. Read about the church.

.Jeand and hoodie weather.

Good morning!

Albert Einstein

Nairobi

Mercurial

Oh, I am so sorry @Lavender that you know what it's like to be hearing impaired. I tried hearing aides years ago, but they didn't help much... And then last year theENT I saw told me hearing aides are useless for ny type of hearing loss. When I had a tv I also had the closed captioning on. My heart goes out to you.