Autumn75

@Lavender ... Ah...can't stand the question," How are you?" People ( most) it's just a thing people say...they don't really want to know. I have, of late, been unable to brightly answer," I'm OK., Or even, " Good!"... Now I just gesture with my hand, and say," So-so." And I know I am alienating a lot of people. I want to live in a world where people are what I strive to be-authentic... But, I find that is rare...and I hate myself when I lie...but then I am also.at risk of purging my whole life story on people...with social anxiety and CPTSD making it hard to trust people this makeslittle sense... But.. such is my uncontrollable need for others to HEAR me...and sometimes I am fortunate enough to encounter an understanding and listening ear and that's enough... No shame in being authentic,and especially if not being so does not go along wirh your values like me, at the sane time it can be so scary, can't it,?

Oh, I am so sorry... I am.very ashamed to admit this here, but after quitting a 20 year pack and a half a day smoking addiction about 12 years ago, recent stress and a surge of anxiety have had me turn to nicotine again... I understand how in your desperation you have turned to nicotine...not at all promoting it as a healthy coping mechanism, but I get it- If you have never tried a CBT or DBT workbook ( ought to be taking my own advice even though have a lot of experience with both( that's something you might want to try if you haven't the support of a therapist... I prefer CBT, it just works better for my brain, and perhaps a book geared to anxiety would help you... Again, forgive me if my suggestions are frustratingly empty... And I am glad you are here. We care about you and acknowledge your suffering. Please keep posting whenever you want/ need to... And please try and trust my sincerity. I am sorry you are a smoker but I know we are often so desperate to ease our anxiety that we turn to what is maladaptive to cope...I know I certainly am. Sending much support.🪻

My heart goes out to you, @tanya6mason ... I have " lived" with paralysing anxiety ( GAD,social anxiey/ phobia, panic attacks, fear of leaving my place often but now can't wait to get out of there everyday as it's such a dump, but still struggle with all consuming fear of the unknown...) I am sorry you are trying to cope with everything you have so unfairly been stricken with with no support, but now you have us, and I am so glad you have reached out for support here. Personally, having endured much of what resonates, with me that you are dealing with, I so wish I had some tangible words of wisdom for you. In the middle of a horrid panic attack I turn to either an ice pack on the back of my neck, or a bracing quick cold shower... Do you have any pets in your life? I find the unconditional love and comfort of an animal.to be most soothing...I am thinking of applying for a service dog, not sure whether I could go through losing another beloved animal.though... For now I have been tending two little plants that I talk to, I have some water colours that I find soothing, despite my terrible lack of talent when it comes to visual art... Journalinghelps me, so I encourage you if and when you would feel comfortable here starting a journal/blog that it might help you. Did it help at all to express your feelings here to us? Don't keep things festering in your head, keep reaching out to us. And, as my beloved aand evoted pyschiatrist and therapist always says on my bad days "Let's take things day by day." I hope that isn't trite and useless advice for you. In the least of things, Know that I empathise and hope you will stay with us and not feel so isolated. Sending you Peace. 🩷🕊🐇🪻🌼

Tuesday, 1 July, 2025 Canada Day 🇨🇦🍁 10:14 AM Hello again everyone... I have been up for something like 2 hours. Had another I believe powerfully meaningful dream again, only recall snap shots. Had breakfast, took my meds, which soothed me for awhile, but now I am feeling terribly anxious and trapped again. I will hopefully be able to have two more physican's letters to my slum lords demanding that for medical reasons I REQUIRE a/c. I am having the worst time of it " living " THERE. I do not know what to do with this anxiety right now. I could try painting, but so hypercritical with myself I just get frustrated andmore anxious. A very abstract mixture of colours following my emotions would be the best I could do but...oh but, but, but... My half century birthday looms..it is in just ten days from now. M. keeps asking what I want to do...finally said, Little Italy, pasta, red wine, gelato,espresso... I dunno. I feel afraid for my future. I never thought I'd make it to age 30. ...I hope and pray I will soon be able to get some homecare. I have to get a lot of laundry done, gotta mop and am completely unable to. I need to listen to Byzantine hymns to soothe myself.... Do....something. Anyway, I'll stop now...have a look around the forum. A thousand blessings to you all.🩷🕊🇨🇦🍁

9:51 AM

Good morning!

Exhausted, surges of intense anxiety, then, thank God, it subsides... Lost.

Good evening!

6:56 PM

Welcome, @Kim ! Nice to meet you.

Welcome, @Kyng!

Vienna

Welcome @ronnie 🙂 Lovely to meet you!

Saturday 28 June, 2025 10:37 PM I had a rough day today, but I guess spent a great deal of it in the oblivion of medicated sleep. I was supposed to have gone to church with M. I was up and ready quite early. I had told him that I really wanted to get there as soon as the Liturgy starts at 8 AM. I know he has a really hard time waking up early in the morning, even for church, but this was really important to me. It would have somehow lessened my anxiety if we were among the first to arrive not walk into a place crammed with a hundred people. I had triedto convey how important this was to me, and he could have gone to bed earlier.(It isn'tit like he has insomnia -he can sleep anywhere anytime.) Anyway he had told me to no call him.at 7 or anything so I waited ubtil l7 :45. No answer. Left text gifs. Wouldn't wake up. I got completely fed up and needed to badly escape THIS PLACE,so of course where to go but McEvil and then the park I was so irritable. That oppressive sunshine stated to b**t on down on me, it was getting hotter. I came back HERE, and the heat was unbearable. I just read yesterday that my disability will pay for an air conditioner if you.have letter from a doctor. So sick of dealing g wirh this, and year and year after year... Lousy slumlords. Biut here I was, " home". And M finally called Didn't apologise to me or anything just said ,yeah, I sleptreally late Grrrrrr... He said he would makeme foood, bring it over, do some of my laundry unless his bag with the wheels was broken, then we could get a pizza again. I know that all sounds very nice, but in the heat I did not feel like sorting my laundry ..was,ashamed to say it-RAGING. He said he'dcall me back, and bratty as it may have been, I ignored 3 of his calls... By then I think.it was around 3 PM ish... And I then, I didsomething I have not done since inpatient-I popped my night meds, not beingable to cope with the still endless hours of daylight, my rage.. You see , my new friends, ( and I hope I will not be judged ) I have had a long struggle with ab*sing my prescribed medication... Thehospital got my med schedule back on track and my OP pyschiatrist and therapist Dr.S was pleased I had been doing so well since my admission with being med " compliant "... But today I had to..escape. I discovered my stupid period had started and I thought to myself,come on! I am nearly 50!! And then wondering whether my out of whack hormones are affecting my mood ..Have had no physical perimenpausal symptoms. Anyway GP appointment ont the 10th. The day before that birthday... NoeNow t10 minues before a brandnew day, and I find myself still anxious, now have decided. to go to the little church I went to last Sunday where there werewarm and welcoming people as well the hurtful literally closed circle of people eating right behind me. Is M.rigjt. all the guys whom havee told me this over that e years am.I "" just too sensitive "? The Church's priest was away last Sunday, so it was a reader' service. I will have a chance (I hope) to meet the priest. I do not want to go pray at my old church. Aga8n thank God getting my disability in my account t tomorrow at midnight. So broke. Need to pay off some of my credit card, pay my ambulance bill, etc etc etc.. I pray I will be eligible for an air conditioner...theycertainly hide all the benefits you ate entitled to... It is Sunday now. At 12:04 AM. Peace and Blessings to you all. 🩷🐈🐳🐋🪻🦜🦆🦋🐦🦔🌼 🇨🇦 🍁 🕊

Indeed. And whenever I have been on hospital , especially the emergency room, they have it on the channel that just keeps repeating the same stories. Not at all soothing.

Brush my teeth and wash my face.

Harry Dean Stanton

Bewildered

Eric Clapton

10:02 PM

Irritable. Fed up. Helpless.

Ugh sunny and hot and humid again.

2:01 PM

4:59 AM.

I'm so sorry. @Jane ... I hope a doctor treating your physical issue will indeed take you seriously, and treat you holistically, and compassionately. I hope you have a therapist whom is helpful to you? Take gentle care 🩷🐬🐇🍁