Autumn75

Hot and sunny and humid

11:33 AM

Put laundry away, finish cleaning the bathroom. And stay in the bliss that is air conditioning.

Good morning...for a half an hour more...

Arlo Guthrie

Winona Ryder

Good morning!

Ack can't decide!!!

8:18 AM

Myself

Sunny, just a gentle warming morning light, and so far blessedly cool...

Vulnerable

11:47 PM So, it is almost a brand new day on my part of the world, I just had a coffee as I was feeling so dragged down with I tense fatigue earlier. Took my night meds, but upon today's advice of Dr.S, c*t my dose of the pregablin to half of what I usually take. He had called me for a quick " check in", will call me next week for another before my July 21st full therapy session which I have badly needed for quite awhile now...he books up fast. He is very devoted to me, his patience is endless. Most other mental health professionals I have encountered while in crisis are surprised a pyschiatrist will even does therapy these days. I am blessed. I have an appointment with my GP next week, the day before my birthday. Was going to ask if he'd write a letter for my housing that I require a/c for medical reasons, however as I told Dr S.," Thank you for writing that letter! They got all terrified and fixed it finally!"..( even though at times the thing sounds like a jet plane about to take off, but I am grateful it is cool in my place now ) I didn't really accomplish much today-or what is soon to be another yesterday... I ended up napping for a while this afternoon, still uncharacteristic of me .. Worrying me. I feel ok, even good, at this hour. Except that my sciatica is as it is, most of the time, bothering me. Oh. Ok, now Friday,4th of July. Just after midnight and not sleepy... Little anxious now, meds have yet to hit me. Maybe will take a hot shower. Didn't even manage to sort my laundry, maybe I should do that, get it ready to haul to the laundromat at 8 AM. Yes, shower, be productive since I am wide awake. I feel...brightened, yet ...scared. But then, fear is an almost chronic state for me .. Good morning everyone!❤️

Grateful for good, black Italian coffee.

Tense

Roasted garlic hummus with roasted garlic triscuits.

4:24 PM

Tired. Fearful. Confused.

Restless

Pessimistic

Wombat

Extremely grateful my pyschiatrist's letter to my slumlords scared them into fixing my a/c... Such a blessing , the cool. Don't have to escape to bl**dy McEvil everyday anymore.

Yes, this was the ignorant yet well meaning comment I heard from a woman at my old church today ( So help me ought to stop going in there ) This woman saw me in hospital, emaciated. At church she would practically force feed me. I know it was a comment made out of love for me, but all I felt hearing this ( while of course, I smiled at her...) was," Wow you're f*t now!" I wanted to cry. Don't people realise NOBODY has the right to comment on ANYONE'S body?? Despite this, after missing breakfast and lunch, just had basically what was a snack, I feel...I feel tremendous guilt and shame right now. I want to go where not a soul knows me. Start over. But anorexia will follow me everywhere, no matter if I am a healthy weight. My head is tormenting me right now of course. I am ashamed I go out and can't help but to compare myself to orher people. I don't think my mind will ever catch up to my putting food into my body. I will never be free. I wish people would stop commenting on my body!!!!

"Smile! It can't be that bad!"

Thursday 3 July, 2025 1:30 PM Alternately sipping coffee and turmeric and lemon water. It is another brutally hot day. Thank God Dr.S ' letter scared my slumlords to fix my a/c...they didn't replace the ancient thing, too cheap...they supposedly fixed it exceot that it still makes clunking sounds. And oh, they knocked over a beautiful antique lamp M gave me and it broke. Told J ( supportive housing worker) She said she'd take a picture of it and reimburse me. At least it is cooler in here thanks be to God. I have so much laundry to do. But too hot and sunny and humid to drag it to the laundromat. Will sort it, try and go tomorrow when they open in the morning and it will hopefully be cooler. Instead, since it is cooler in here I will tidy up. ( As much as my sciatica will permit me) I need to get groceries though so will have to venture out into my most loathed season. I still want to move to Canada's far north. Food is very expensive up there, and dunno if I could cope with the time of year when it is light out 24/7... Likely not to have a pyschiatrist or therapist or even my meds up there. I dunno, just fantasising all the time about escaping this evil filthy city. I can't grow old here, I cant- A few weeks ago I found myself frantically searching for "the cheapest places to live in Canada " Newfoundland and Labradour apparently, and even searched apartment listing's...well, um.." cheapest " places start at 900 bucks a month. People online asking about moving there were warned of the rainy cold weather( which would suit me fine), rhe nepotism, strongly suggesting one has a job lined up, ( yeah, like I will ever be able to work again...) a nd to make sure you actually go thete to look at places, as there are a lot if scanners posting apartment listings-rhey take your rent, and when you arrive, the apartment does not exist... I moved to a different province when I was 19, desperate to escapemy " family"....at 19 years old, the Big City was bewildering at first, bjt I felt the wingsof freedom finally. Had very good friends whom I miss terribly. We are all spread out across the country now. Text one of my best friends still, and and email an ex of mine who treated me like garbage,quickly married someone else shortly after dumping me. He lived in Japan for many years, and is happier there than in in Canada and plans to go back. He emails me at Christmas avd my birthday which us just a few days before his. .he emails me when he hasn't heard from me in a long time, worried about me... I have forgiven him, he has forgiven me. ( I put him through h**l with my maddness)... I have lost touchwith my female friends-well, one friend I had to c*t ties with because she was calling me drunk all the time and even though I never tried to force MY beliefs on HER, she'd rant at me about my faith, she's an atheist, she wouldn't leave me alone about it... Anyway, I am.. lonely. I have M. But needing desperately the connection of a good female friend. Well, it's getting close to 3 PM...how did it get so late? Feeling ( scary still) hunger cues right now...I have yet to eat today. And speaking of that...need to post on the ED board I think....very triggering comment today... But....should eat. All I have in the house is a lemon. Will go get hummus and crackers, berries ( good for pain)... Oh how I dread going intothat oppressive sunshine and heat... Sorry for such a boring entry... Love and Peace and Healing to you all. ❤️🌿🕊 . .