Autumn75

4:01 PM Once again I must ask," Where didthe day go?" Another absolutely slothful day, too exhausted to move, let alone take care of the simplest of house hold chores. I smoked the last two cigarettes in the pack earlier I only bought yesterday. How quickly addictive they are! Anyway, while it ( fleetingly) eases my stress and anxiety, and I do enjoy a smoke with a black coffee again after over a decade having quit a pack and a half a day addiction, I decided I would ride out the cravings that have again, so quickly taken hold of me. I am disgusted by the taste, the smell, and my poor asthmatic lungs!!! How much more stupid could I be? I have been coughing and having trouble breathing already, and beusdes-that -at 20 bucks a pack on the amount t of cash I have to live on, prettystupid too to waste my money on those things. I have to admit really want one right now, but not only a matter of health a d money, but simply goesagainst my values. No judgement from this ex smoker if you are struggling with a nicotine addiction...I used to smoke even when i was wheezing with bronchitis. Anyway, this is the goal-to not run out and recklessly buy another pack. Back to this long day, endlessly long day of interia, lying in bed, unable to sleep,OCD assailing me with looping intrusive thoughts, and I was. . .stuck. I finally got up and stood under a hot shower. Made a coffee. And...couldn't take how horrid I am feeling anymore and took my night meds- I need to rest. Even if that means being up all night as I often used to be. I am so anxious right now I can't stand it. Meds have not kicked in. Please God let me SLEEP!!! M asked me if I wanted to go to church tomorrow as it is the feast day of the conception of St.Johm the Baptist. He told me it would be the perfectday to come, and less people as is a workday. Still, unsure though. I feel like I have a lot on my plate, so to speak. And without the church, a spiritual father anda warm church community as I have mentioned, ny most pressing need right now, and has been for awhile... I need to eat. Just something small, but all I can manage. Not much in the house as usual, and seriously considering ordering my next bunch of groceries, but then again...can't Imagine using the stove or certainly not oven in this heatt-even WITH a/c Thinking of you all.. Love and Peace and Healing to you all. ❤️🕊❤️

3:47 PM

Self compassion.

Black Italian coffee and lemon turmeric water.

Brutally hot sunny and humid up here too. 40 C.

Tormented.

Sunday 6 July, 2025 7:55 PM Good morning from Canada everyone... No idea what time I fell asleep last night. And I woke up, still not feeling rested around an hour or so ago. Had my coffee, considered going to church but would have had to rush, and even at this early morning hour you can feel the heat and humidity heavy in the ( lack of) air, and it may as well be noon for how bright that sun is. So, even though the ancient thing is making a lot of noise and shaking, at least, praise God I have a/c. I didn't feel well at all all day yesterday ( something I think I will post about elsewhere on the forum), was so exhausted I just laid in bed until M.called, I didn't even sleep, butI was just so exhausted. That once, at just 11 years old,( being odered to by my ballet teacher) I was capable of doing 100 sit ups in a studio with black tarry floors, in 100 degreee heat, and now I can barely walk down the street. I think Dr S said he would call me this wwk but if course cant remember what day. Really need to get one of those fridge magnets where I can write stuff down. I am anxious and don't know why. Couldn't be the caffeine. It rained ever briefly last night when I was out with M , feeling awful. It didn't cool the air down at all though. In fact it made the humidity far worse. i so wish for a wonderful thunderstorm. I feel trapped in here. J.suppsed to " touch base" with me this week. At any rate do need to give her my consent to go ahead with the homecare evaluation. I am tempted to buy myself some fresh c*t flowers today. The Churches are always full of flowers. My head is jumping from idea to idea and yet I remain in a state of paralysis. Why do I have to wake up.so early? Ok. I will have a look around the forum now. I need another coffee. I need to eat. I need to do a lot of things. Love and Peace and Healing to you all. ❤️🕊❤️

7:20 AM

10:07 PM

I'm so sorry. You must be so afraid for her. Indeed have a look at the NEDA website.

Thank you. I am so sorry you suspect that your daughter has an ED... Have you checked out the NEDA site? A wealth of information and support for family and friends of those suffering from an eating disorder. I truly am sorry. My anorexia was hard on my mum. But her worry manifested as rage at me... I know that isn't the case of yourself. I pray your daughter will get help.

Saturday 5 July, 2025 8:07 AM Good morning from Canada everyone...Woke up about a half an hour ago, thinking it was Sunday and that I'd have to leave for church soon. Then I realised it is Saturday. Useless to try and wake M up to go to his church. There is Vespers this evening at the Ukrainian Church, but it is, as I mentioned, going up.to 40 C today, andit will take me about an hour to get there. Still, I am so longing to experience the beauty and glory of that 100 year old Orthodox Cathedral... I put my a/c on already as it is warming up fast in my 4th floor apartment. I do not feel rested. More parasomnias just before waking. What's wrong with me? This past year I have been in near constant crisis mode, and I still feel " unstable"... I really think it is the Church that will ground me, direct me, enrich me, soothe me, give me back my " Gift of tears" I so often am blessed with during prayer. Something is just so...lacking. I long for a holy and meaningful and pious life, striving ever for righteousness... And for a long time I have been not living the way The Lord is trying to reveal to me. I read about the lives of the Saints, and wistfully long that I too could renounce the world, live in a monastery someplace remote, set apart, for a life of unceasing prayer and quiet contemplation... But everyday I wake up, struggling. I despise this city. I ended up here in 06 with an ab*sive man... Had I been stronger., knowing what I know now, would never have moved here from the far better city where I lived fir 11 years ( in many ways) than this one. And now I am stuck here. ...Oh I need more SLEEP. I am kind of shakey so had something small to eat. I really need to tidy, clean, organise stuff in here. But feel very unwell at this hour, coffee finished now... I will have a look around the forum now. I so want to support you all. And from the heart, in this I am sincere. Love and Peace and Healing to you all. ❤️🕊❤️

Very hot and sunny.

So far, just need coffee...

Good morning

7:55 AM

Cougar

Richmond,British Columbia

Friday 4th July, 2025 8:49 PM Good evening from Canada everyone.. Feel I have been very lazy and ill today. Only got about 3 hours sleep last night, waking up with an early morning myoclonic seizure Managed to get some laundry together and drag it to the laundromat around 10 ish AM or so when it was still pretty cool out. By the time my laundry was done though the sun was pummeling me, while the heat rose from the sidewalks It is only about 3 blocks to the laundromat from my place, but I can barely manage anymore. I have yet to.put it away. I don't remember what time I went to lie down,but my phone was ringing, it did occur to me that it was probably my pharmacy's delivery guy with my meds-he shows up between 5 and 6 PM. I couldn't fully wake up to answer though. I finally did and then felt so bad as it was around 7 PM. I was still not awake really when he met me downstairs. I came back up, made a coffee, and went outside out back with it. M called, asked if I wanted to stay at his house tonight so that he would be more likely to wake up in time to go to church because I'd be there. I said no, I am enjoying my air conditioning too much. I am a little annoyed at him He has been at me to come to his church with him forever. I told him a couple weeks ago I am fine going alone if he won't wake up in time but he doesn't want me to. Annoyed, yeah...irritated. I think I am just going to give up on the idea of his church that I am still unsure of anyway, and quitely go by myself to another small parish near me on Sunday... I am still not feeling well. Putting that laundry away seems like Everest right now. When I went downstairs saw that J.had posted a notice about this weekend's" Extreme Heat Event ", with daytime temperatures up to 40 C, and where to go to cool off...suggestions are a couple nearby pools, and slash pads. I feel so bad for my neighbours whom are still without a/c, and grateful Dr.S was kind enough to write that serious letter to my housing demanding I have a/c. But if they are able to fix mine, what about the rest of their tenants? Disgusting cheap slum lords. I feel very, very blessed to have a/c for this coming weekend and the rest of the brutal summer which always lasts straight through September here... And as well, J.had stuck a letter through my door requesting that I confirm with ner whether I am still interested in having an assessment for homecare. All I really need is someone to clean once a week, do laundry, grocery shop The last job I myself held- I don't need someone to cook for or anything...Just " light housework and laundry and shopping." I pray I am approved. With my pain and fatigue I can't manage anymore. ...Just took my night meds, but I can't count on them kicking in. They didn't last night. My sleep is so inconsistent and my parasomnias are awful. I need to charge my phone. Will take a hot shower now I think. Try and read something spiritually enlightening. Good night, everyone. ❤️🕊🪻🐇🦢🐘🦔🦋

Peggy's Cove

8:41 PM

Good evening.

Very tired. Very confused. Annoyed.

Laundromat, variety store.

Read Scripture and about other Holy books.