Autumn75

8:34 AM

2:01 AM

11:23 PM

Dreadfully hot and humid. No breeze. Ugh.

Thank you for caring @Lavender I'm sorry you too suffer from BPD,and I can certainly relate to often being numb, unable to define or name the feelings beneath it... Now? Feeling like I am about to implode. Much of this has to do with how I am feeling about myself...my identity, my values... And that I haven't had therapy in weeks... I need thst outlet. Welcome back by the way.🩷

Frozen blueberries.

Saturday 12 July 2025 9:19 AM I wish I was still asleep. The sun is already high in the sky, or so it would seem...after all it's not close to noon yet. I really need to stretch and then go for a walk, stretch some more. But I don't want to go out into the sun and the heat. I am very out of shape though and it's getting me down. My back and legs really hurt . I think I will slather on the sunscreen now, do some resistance exercises, some sciatica exercises, and go for a walk. Don't feel like it at all but also hate being in pain, as well as feeling ill at ease in my own body.. Love and Peace and Healing to you all. ❤️🕊❤️

In physical pain, indecisive, cranky.

8:54 AM

2:16 AM

8:41 PM M cane by, did a lot of my laundry. A d it is a very hot day, he happily lugged it to the laundromat helped me fold it what guy does rhst?? I am in a lot of pain today. The sciatica of course. Entire lower half of my body in agony. My goals? Well, didn't drag out my yoga mat, but did go for a walk with my cane, long way round to the store, had to stop and rest. M.asked if I wanted to go to get a coffee, but wasn't up to it. I feel guilty and ashamed right now. Anyway,about time to pray my night time prayers. Still have yet to rekindle my old devoted and diligent habit of prayer. And as tired as I am, think it best I try right now. Love and Peace and Healing to you all. ❤️🕊❤️

Thank you for sharing @Lavender I would definitely consider the birth control pill if I have to endure this nightmare every month. I am not having any other symptoms-I already have been taking g calcium a d vitamin D for my osteopenia I developed as a consequence of my ED... I still think I need to.track my cycles for especially to make a note if my mood seems to be being affected ...did you find it did for you? Thank you again for sharing your experience.🩷

7:32 PM

Irritable. Discouraged.

Thank you so much @Lavender 🙂

Thank you @Enigma.❤️

Today, I turned half a century old. I went to my GP yesterday to leaen the results of my last bl**d work-mainly to ask him what my hormone tests revealed, but he said they are still in the normal range. However coincidentally, I fearfully brought up the fact that I have been on my period for nearly two weeks now, and only within the last day has become less heavy. I have been exhausted. I had been having irregular cycles for awhile after a long time having entirely lost my period to anorexia nervosa. The longest it woukd last would be about 3 days. A d my heaviest day was only the second. Very little pain, the devastating PMDD i suffered from in my 20s and 30 seemed to quiet... Admittedly, since the years over where I was on birth control, always worried about getting pregnant have now ended, I have not been diligently tracking my cycles my physical, mental, and emotional symptoms but perhaps can find, ( or ladies, if you can suggest a good site/app it woukd be much appreciated.) A tracking app. Anyway, even after I told him that my aunt had uterinee c**ncer, he said there was nothing to worry about...Just " the change of life" I am now very motivated in educating myself about perimenpause, praying my period ends soon, and. reaching out here to those of you who are going through this too, or hav3 already been through the nightmare I have read perimenpause to be...

Friday, 11 July, 2025 1:02 AM I slept and slept and slept for hours, having not even taken my night meds. Strange dreams. Unable to wake up. Finally did, couldn't believe it was only around after midnight and I am...50 years old now. I took my night meds. Sipping turmeric and and black pepper and lemon water. I don't know why I was/ am so tired. I have a goal for today and that is to get my yoga mat out and do some sciatica exercises, and try and go for a walk. My doctor was on my case about being more active. I am not overweight or anything, he just believes being more active will alleviate some of my pain, aa well as lift mood. He asked of I swim and I told him I dint know how. M.said he'd take me to the pool and show me how to exercise in the shallow end. He ground me some flax seeds yesterday which I will put in smoothies. I just need soy milk and frozen fruit. It is still the Apostle's Fast today. It ends tomorrow, so M.said dhe'd have to take a rain cheque on celebrating my birthday. I half don't care, half feel blue over it. Have not picked up another expensive pack of smokes since I prayed to.St.Ephraim. I had a craving yesterday but was able to ride it out. I am still very tired. I have iced coffee in the fridge that M made me but I wish he hadn't sweetness it with honey. I really don't like anything in my coffee, apart from the occasional pricey cafe au lait I get once in awhile up the street which reminds me of being in Quebec, but other than that I am strictly a black coffee girl. For me it is undrinkable sweetened I really should have gone to the food bank this week. I don'tremember why I didnt go. Anxious right now, unsure why. Allergies bothering me. Should really take my generic reactine. Grass pollen is supposed to be high. I ha e my a/c on, only one window opened a crack. But nose is running, eyes itchy, chest tight. My feet have been hurting g since yesterday now. My doctor threwmore Tylenol for arthritis samples at ne which I do not intend to take. He gave me some months ago, not only doesn'tit work, it is highly toxic for the liver. I will find relief through excersise and health. .. Just washed my face with olive oil soap, brushed my teeth, took a reactine. Wide awake, though feeling so drained. I boughlike over 100 dollars worth of stuff at the " dollar " store the other day, drainingmy poor bank account. But really it was all stuff I needed. I bought a lot of new tupperware, so.w storage boxes, c*tlery, small recycling box, nice granite c*tying board, I dunno what else. It added up quickly, but would have been more pricey online or even at Walmart. I need a coffee right now. But can't remember if I bought any more. Maybe I will eat breakfast at my old church h ths morning, thank God I have quite a bit of cash left on my transit card. I am very, very anxious now. Maybe I should stop thinking about money,( or lack thereof)... The 21st and my first real session with Dr.S in ages can't come soon enough. At the moment unsure what to focus on... I will now likely pro ably be looking obsessively at anti aging natural stuff online, sciatica exercises, Maybe down load the " Calm" app of it isstill free. I need to stop writing here, saying nothing much of interest as usual. But I appreciate the outlet, even if nobody reads this. And, thank you fir readingif you have. Love and Peace and Healing to you all.❤️🕊❤️

Continuing this thread, hope that's okay. Today, feel, I feel I feel...WHAT do I FEEL?? Maybe...I am...ok? No, never, never, never... How did I crash at age l7 to never return from that," first episode "? ( Which a doctor INSISTED was due to my using cocaine, which I had NEVER touched.) I thought by this point in my life things would have settled down, and certainly my 40s were quieter...and then, this past year, triggers one day I may write about on the CPTSD board, or the safe zone.. As well, the classic, cliche..." Who am I?" "How do I make my life better?" Etc...etc... I feel...rigid right now I suppose... A nd beneath that, totally overwhelmed. So many choices. Life was much simpler at age 11 when I was certain of my future as a dancer. My dream. My identity, not only imposed upon me, but by my teachers, DEMANDED of me. And then...I had nothing of myself left. And now they say, "Emotions are like a traffic light." I am exhausted by, saturated with, DBT. I doubt any of this made any sense, but neither does my head...

Thank you so much for your compassion.🩷, as well as the validation. I appreciate so much another hunan being being so understanding and kin judgemental. Thank you 🙂

@Enigma Thank you! Just what I needed today.❤️🕊❤️

Dollar store cashier.

10:47 AM

I just...can't. "Control " ( Feel like with my experience with anorexia the word "Control" is a dangerous and treacherous word...) Right now, after having been awake for awhile, my morning anxiety'the very intense and uncomfortable physical manifestations of my GAD feel quite literally as though my heart, my core, is all twisted up, the heavy, heavy pressure of the weight of an anvil on my chest, radiating to my abdomen.. But, where is this coming from.? It does help to write, and I feel terrible fir such a negative post-for being difficult, not even trying positive coping skills, after 16 years on therapy, a million I P stays...nor even trying. Forgive me, friends. GADis likely something I have " lived" with since a child..along with so much else that has coloured my entire life... And, I don't know how to escape...but for a new church, a new spirtual father, and a daily and nightly habit of prayer and reading Scripture and orher Holy books, no matter my medicated somnulance... Well...my buspirone has quickly seemed to have kicked in, thanks be to God. Brain zaps as usual, but works sonwwhst with my anxiety... The point is, [ and yes, I do think might have a point.here, I just. After all these years, I STILL don't know how to cope with my anxiety ... And upon thinking of this, better refill my prn nozinan today been awhile since I refilled it... Enough from me...hope ok to post on this thread...and again please forgive my desperate negativity... I guess. I just do not try hard enough...

Wednesday 9 July, 2025 5:57 AM Good morning from Canada everyone...🇨🇦 I just woke up a little while ago. Made a coffee, cayenne pepper and lemon water. Not really hungry right now, although that shouldn't matter, as they taught in treatment, " Eat every 4 hours evenif you aren't hungry." Why is this SO HARD? Anxiety is starting to crush my chest, but I woke up to a much tidier HOME,although there is still much to do, still need help...unless I keep pushing myself past my limits. I went for a walk yesterday! When ny sciatica was intensely bad I walked around the block. It did make my body feel looser, pain dissipated. M was supposed to have me brought me food over and a greens supplement, fish oil, B12.m but I fell asleep... Really need B6...last month? I guess it was...ordered B complex off amazon as well as a beautiful icon of The Mother of God , and my package was stolen... And now of course, my entry code does not work ..slum lords Anyway, fell asleep beforeM. could come over, saw a text from him when I woke up that he had made me salad, and has olive oil for me. Olive oil is very pricey these days so I am very grateful to him. Why does he love me? Why does he take care of me? ...I did not buy another pack of cigarettes yesterday! Am going to keep praying to St.Ephraim though, as right now, with anxiety just...piercing me right to my core, I really really want one...however even already my poor lungs seem to have e recovered. I have my GP tomorrow. He would not be thrilled if I told him I started smoking again. ...Mood starting to dip. I guess " they" are right-with my dx of BPD, my emotions can go from neutral to high to dangerously low in...minutes. I hope it is today Dr.S. is supposed to call me. But I still really want to go to the " dollar" store... Maybe right at 9 when they open it will be mostly empty. I make all these plans.... Anxiety robs me of a normal life. I have until Friday to give J.my consent to be interviewed for homecare or whatever it is...letter said something about," your goals"...sounds very much like case management which I will NEVER agree to again. But...perhaps the " wise mind" thing to do.is just ASK J.what kind of service it actually is... Well...enough from me here, gonna take a look around the forum now. Love and Peace and Healing to you all. ❤️🕊❤️