Autumn75

Indeed. I am hard on myself for not being more "productive ", but thank you guys for the validation and empathy of the fact that mental illness and physical illness can be literally draining, and often even facing a shower can feel like Everest...

I closed my Facebook account years ago...although it was nice reconnecting with old friends, dear, dear friends, and I had joined several interesting groups there, it was triggering my OCD, anxiety, paranoia, depression... It seemed absurd to me that people had 500 " friends", and I was having a hard time seeing how successful people I had known forever had become, while I felt such a horrible failure, friends having kids, their dreams realised, traveling the world, having stable housing, etc... I created a new account months ago, but almost immediately closed it...one huge reason was fear of my " family" finding me, as well as an ex I didn't want finding me... I also made a twitter account i think last year sometime, but immediately closed it... It seems even in the online world my social anxiety plagued me. My depression amplified... So, all in all, I fear social media, and avoid it's often rampant triggering toxicity... I am lonely though, and long to again seek out old friends, but so ashamed all that " promise" and " potential " of my youth has led to my not having much to show for this half century on the planet. It's not good for me. It can be a plastic and sad " world"... So for now at least staying far away from it...

Good morning at 1:25 AM

Good evening at 7:45 PM...

16 C but feels colder than that. Sunny...

Kind man at my old mission church that serves breakfast to the poor.

Tired and drained. Grateful my migraine has dissipated. Detached...can't define how I feel except confused...lost...

Good morning here in 🇨🇦 at 6:28 AM!

Good evening....🇨🇦

Thank you!

Unseasonably chilly day... Grateful as my a/c STILL needs to be fixed.

🇨🇦 Good afternoon!

Indeed,I can relate to this so well. Please don't be hard on yourself on top of how awful being triggered makes you feel... Your brain and nervous system are probably still on high alert... But it does not mean you have gone backwards. No matter what, you are a Survivor.

To mental health professionals:"I am not just my BPD label, my fractured personality you don't want to deal with even in crisis, doesn't mean I am not in pain...ancient, deeply ingrained pain...I am not "attention seeking", and then again, when I " seek attention " it is because I truly need help, not to be dismissed, condescended to, treated like a criminal, humiliated. We sufferers of BPD do indeed truly SUFFER. And that comes from SOMEWHERE, so please please acknowledge that"

Oh bless you! Thank you so much for not judging me, for validating me...no, every time I am told zi am " strong" or "resilient " I feel bewildered, but your perspective helps a lot. And that you would right away reach back to me with such beautiful kindness is such a gift to me right now. Yes...to get through this day, " Take things day by day." As my pyschiatrist always says...I am always anxiously extrapolating worst case scenarios of the future..guess that's a game my OCD likes to play with my head... Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for this much needed post today... It made my eyes well up with tears...good tears. Thank you so much, and God Bless you.

Hello all... So, I mentioned in my intro that I have " lived" with anorexia nervosa b/p subtype since age 11 when I entered a professional ballet school.( As you can imagine, there in the deceptively beautiful world of ballet I was surrounded by eating disorders.) ( Addiction, self harm, and other horrible things as well in that truly dark world which has made me avoid watching ballet for over two decades...even the Swan and Nutcracker billboards at streetcar stops make me feel an intensely sour angry expression fall across my countenance...) At just 11, I was not consciously trying to lose weight-I was naturally small, the smallest in my class, but I developed a very disordered relationship with food... ( Before dementia tragically struck my mum she would always say she believed my ED began at 18 months old, when she would sit me on the counter, desperately trying to get me to eat-anything...but I would apparently say,"No!", and clamp my mouth shut..won't say what I weighed in kindergarten but again, smallest in my class...) So...( Sorry for digressing), fast forward to today, less than a month before my 50th birthday and after 3 stints in IP and two in IOP I am finally weight restored. But..not at all eating as I was taught in treatment. I often break their rule of not going x hours without eating. My hunger cues are all over the place. I had gotten rid of the wretched scale a year ago, but recently ran out and bought a new one and of course was horrified at the number...so, in an obvious response to the stress I have been under in my life, and that old familiar word," control", and the luring "voice" of my ED, I really slipped, beginning on my second last day in hospital ( mental health unit)...I ended up having a fall and sprained my ankle... And then, started eating again...hid that evil scale somewhere...but I am by no means" gung ho recovery " right now, I just know I need to try...I was very ill when I was last admitted to an EDU... I ended up in a wheelchair. I have had serious health scares, so many concussions from falls... My hard core IP therapist told me that statistically, due to how long I have been sick, and how many times in and out of treatment, my chance of ever reaching " solid recovery " would be, pardon the terrible " pun" " slim"... And just a couple weeks ago my pyschiatrist/therapist told me, ( always honest with him) that," I think your eating disorder will always be with you. It can only be managed." So all this is so disheartening. Anyway, I am no longer dangerously emaciated. But the day before yesterday when my best friend/confusing romantic entanglement insisted on taking me to a thrift store and buying me...ugh NEW JEANS... (I did need some, as I said, put on weight, didn't even know nor want to know my waist size...) Anyway, I hate shopping with a passion, while he loves to simply browse...pulled off a couple pairs of nice jeans...and I went into the tiny curtained change room, with a horrible fun house mirror, wanted to fall apart at how I look, felt sick that the jeans were too tight, he brought me two more pairs which I dutifully tried on-they seemed to fit in the store, but wearing them now, they are a little big on me... He bought me the jeans, a Nova Scotia t shirt, and I told him enough, had to get out of that place, evilly comparing myself with great shame to the young woman in her mid riff revealing shirt, that " perfect" flat stomach i had just a year ago ,and the shroud of depression descended over my head... Well, if you suffer from any ED, you must understand how I felt.. Yet still, my friend or whatever I am to him, asked me his usual," What do you want to eat?" "X or x?" "Um..ok. "X".. So we went to this chain here in Canada ( "A&W) And they had something vegetarian so I said ok will get that... But, he didn't order anything, which sent me into a state of terror and sinful anger that he wasn't having anything. He told me he ate before. I finished it. Went " home "...(my home is not a HOME for various reasons which is a topic for another board here sorry) I didn't eat dinner. Actually I have no food in my place...right now have no kitchen...(Again, long story) and, I am broke. So yesterday around lunchtime went to a drop in for the marginalised in my community and they were very kind and welcoming...all they had left were vegan sandwiches which I was very grateful for... But then, a volunteer approached me, had noticed I had never been there before, told me about their drop in hours, meals, clothing bank etc...a good place.. But..this lady actually POINTED TO MY ABDOMEN and asked me, ARE YOU PREGNANT?!? I was mortified. But instead of telling her straight up that I am in recovery from,anorexia, which two years ago.no joke, almost k***ed me, and that when you gain weight during and after treatment for most people, that weight goes straight to your abdomen..it is your body's way of rushing to protect your organs, well...it js RUDE to ask ANYwoman," Are you pregnant?" But instead I laughed. Incredulous. And said "Uh,NO!! I am almost 50!" And of course, she didn't believe me. Nobody ever does. Even had a paramedic once looked at my healthcard and asked me,"Is this your correct birth date?" Yes, look young for my age... Met my friend later for coffee, I was annoying with my lamenting being mistaken for a young pregnant woman, very concious of that one area of my body I DESPISE... And now I feel like hiding under very large t shirts... Or even worse... Going back to heavily restricting. Stepping back on that scale...engaging in other behaviours. I feel deeply ashamed. Sad, anxious. Don't want to be seen in public. I hate myself so much, and it extends far past my body image...I just am such a horrible wretch... I am so sorry for rambling on and on...this just seems like a safe space to share my struggle... Sorry as well, for such a negative post. I do SO encourage all of you, with whatever ED you are afflicted with, whatever age you are...please dont give up. Seek help...treat yourselves with compassion. And do something nice for yourselves today. You are all of value Please believe that. Thank you for reading this novel if you have. Blessings to you all.

Thank you kindly!

Thank you! Very nice to meet you as well!

Thank you for your warm welcome!

Hello, I am new here, and Canadian so hope ok to join you? I am on the cusp of ( next month!!!) turning a half a century old and am having a hard time facing this " milestone " birthday... I would have to say that although North America does not yet recognise CPTSD in the DSM V, my own pyschiatrist whom is also my therapist does not dispute that the dx fits me as even he told me it is entirely possible my trauma began as early as when my mum was carrying me, that it is entirely possible that before I was even born had begun to have neurological changes in my brain.. So anyway, one of my myriad of ife long dxs is CPTSD. Along with this, MDD recurrent, refractory OCD, GAD, social anxiey disorder, closely on the edge of social phobia, what else...um...this is is one I murmur when encountering a new mental health professional for well founded fear that I will be stigmatised, and invetibly be treated like a criminal...uh....BPD... As well, and I know I ought not to self diagnose, but as well the dx of an ASD really resonates with me, it would explain a lot about my childhood... And oh, how could I forget, I have suffered from anorexia b/,p subtype, since age 11, which I am fighting like mad, weight restored now,but that horrid ED " voice" in my head is now constantly berating me for eating and gaining weight... I think that's it for my dxs although as far as my physical health, well, I have epilepsy asthma, osteopenia ( thank you ED), an L5 herniated disc which hae caused bilateral excruciating and debilitating sciatic pain ( this past year, although my chronic pain has me whining all the time, I am grateful for it as it has stirred up in my heart a great empathy for people suffering from all manner of chronic pain...) What else about me? I haven't worked for a long time, and feel guilty and ashamed I have been on disability for so long... I love to write, especially poetry and prose poetry, but sadly of late depression, and my love of reading has also been stolen from me because of depression .. I love animals, I miss my beloved kitty Sam who I painfully had to let go 4 years ago now. I have a lot of photos of him on my fridge, I miss sharing my life with a precious animal, but. I can't.. For various reasons. I have longed for a trained pyschiatric service dog, and my pyschiatrist told me he would be happy to write a letter for me, but long waiting lists for everything here in Canada, and don't know if the government will pay for a psych service dog but worth looking into again. ?? Sorry for the long winded intro, have attempted to post an intro the day I joined, but this increase in my pregablin has made me so drowsy since it was recently titrated,but this morning I feel a little better, at least not so out of it, unable to type on this stupid little phone ( lap top stopped wanting to work and cannot afford a new one right now) Anyway, so blessed to have found a new MH forum, I wish to not only receive support, but to give support to others... Anyway, thank you for reading if you have, and again, hope not intruding being Canadian, ( Although if it helps, my grandparents on my mum's side, as well as my mum were born in England, so if I ever could manage it, I am allowed dual citizenship..) Ok, forgive me, have rambled on enough... Looking forward to exploring the forum and getting to know all of you... * If ok to be here!