Autumn75

Saturday 21 June, 2025 7:46 AM Good morning...( at least over here) I have no idea when I fell asleep last might,but I checked my phone, and I had a text from..(.I will call him" M.", my??) Well,.only friend, around 6:30 ish AM. And checked my voicemail, a.message from I guess yesterday...had gone to the beautiful morning service, Orthros, and I sang! But I am more confused than ever. Something happened to me at church h yesterday that I needI guess to post on the trauma board . I need to, but so exhausted still, eyes heavy and not focusing well...struggling to type o.n this little phone... My parasomnias are out of contol. This morning just before waking, heard myself crying to "Please let me wake up!" I wanted out from a very vivid nightmare...it was all to real... I made a coffee, turmeric and lemon water as I have no black pepper,thinking of going over to McEvil and sitting in the park for awhile. Beneath my medicated drowsiness feel very anxious. Really need to do some (Ugh my poor back) handwashimg of essentinals in my bl**dy bathtub as I can't afford to go to the laundromat... Fascinating entry was it not? Blessings all. Autumn. ❤️

@Lavender Thank you for reading and replying, for your acceptance of my faith, often all that keeps me going. Of course I would never force my beliefs on anyone . I am grateful for this space indeed. Hope you're ok.❤️

Friday, 20 June, 2025 3:20 AM Well, took my heavy cocktail of night meds at like 9 PM, and...they just didn't kick in. I have been wide awake all night, running on adrenaline. Tyding up, had a shower...tired now, but not at all sleepy. My old...well, perhaps the mission church I have hesitantly apparently started to return to, feeling much conflicting feelings about it, but being lost without a church.. It opens at 5 AM, so just after 5 will catch the streetcar for the 10 minute ride there, kneel in my beautiful and peaceful chapel. Pray. Not sure if there is a Liturgy this morning, but if so, it will begin at 7 AM. And it is easier on my anxiey as there are only a few people on Fridays. But, speaking of my anxiety, this is what is the result of that adrenaline, and the early morning surge of cortisol inn this fractured head of mine... I was granted a random new fridge and put all my photos on magnets of my precious and sweet and clever kitty,Sam, whom I had to let go 3 years ago. I have a very sweet photo of him curling up and sleeping in the bathroom sink! He gave my 13 years if unconditional love, was very attached to me and I very attached to him He was very special.❤️ There is absolutely no way I could adopt again...however still again seriously looking into being matched up with a service dog, for both mental physical needs. I would appreciate my dog being trained to recognise panic attacks, amd CPTSD triggers,like my dog standing between myself and a person who gets too close to my personal space... I just dont think I could go through losing another animal... Well, I'm tired, at nearly 4 AM, just over an hour before I can escape this depressing dump to a place of pesce and sanctuary. Please know I am not trying to force my religion ( Orthodox Christianity) down your throats, and perhaps all this better to.be expressed on the spitiuamty board... Its just at this hour, I am thinking faster than I am typing. I do not knoew what to do next...I suppose getting dressed for church would make me feel better... Long day at the church...morning prayer, noon prayer And how I love to sing!), lunch. ..more time to.spend in The chapel... And then ," Gospel espresso)...everyone gathers in a big circle and someone ( feeling quite honoured as often myself.) Reads the Sunday Gospel, and the parish priest goes around the circle asking fur everyone's reflection on it... There are so many people, and in a circle like that with my hearing impairment I cannot even hear anyone, not even Fr N, whom is very soft spoken anyway... But my fear..no, my. chronic state of TERROR, while my head protects me with just...blotting everything out... When it is my turn to share, I look at he floor, my heat races, I preface what I am about what I am able to.share, shaking with,"I may be way off base but...This probably does not make any sense but..." I self deprecate,cowerwhem faced with groups of people... But, anyway yes, will get dressed as it is nearly 4:24 AM!!! Still dark here in the city, I guess you in the UK might still be peacefully sleeping, or having your breakfast ... Thank you for reading if you have...sorry if my entry was at all Inappropriate for this journalling board... ( Tallking about my faith so much. It's just that this I had been weighing heavily on my mind, heart and soul...( And with that, will spare you any more ( for now anyway. Oh how.lucky you-readers of my nonsense...) Please everyone. Treat yourselves with all the compassion and self love all of you so deserve... Blessings and love to all. ❤️

I love lightly steamed spinach, with olive oil, lemon. And sea salt. A leafy green good for chronic pain, and my iron deficiency anemia...

I have epilepsy,asthma, osteopenia, and an L5 herniated disc which has resulted in rather debilitating sciatic pain, IBS as well, both C and D... Migraines sometimes too...

Ack! Third attempt at writing my first journal entry here, a board I am so grateful is now on the forum... I can't believe it is now already 6:25 PM in my part of the world. I have been trying to clean my place all day, but it must have been about 40 C in my apartment all day, and of course my housing thinks giving me a Walmart fan, rather than repair ( after 6? 7? years) my A/C is good enough for me to endure my city's " Extreme Heat Warning" that began today, and is expected to last through hext week... They also have yet to repair the screen in one of my two windows, both that open only about two inches, so little air from the impending thunderstorm that the wind and grey sky are promising... I know a lot of people ( and animals) are afraid of thunderstorms, but I love them...the rolling thunder, cracks of lightening, the cleansing rains which remind me of my childhood on the Canadian prairies-one of the few things I miss about that place... I actually often fall asleep to.the sounds of YouTube thunderstorms... Anyway, I keep taking breaks, heading over to the park across my busy street, the company of ancient and strong maple trees providing wonderful shade, the little sparrows and robins hopping around...the butterfly gardens where I have been blessed to see Monarchs and other butterflies taking refuge, and the endangered honey bees drinking in the nectar of the lovely flowers...Surviving, Thriving... I just got back a few minutes ago after sitting with a cheap McEvil black iced coffee until it just got too windy and although.humid. a little chilly. Thank God it had also cooled down in my apartment. Again, so grateful for.this section of the forum...I have journalled in pen and paper since I was a kid. My only space where I felt free to express my thoughts and feelings...until my mum would read my journals and get very angry with whatever I had written...and I never had the courage to stand up to her and tell her what a boundary she had crossed...I did not feel entitled or simply allowed to express my emotions...anywhere. An ex of mine used to.read my journals and get angry too... But, I continued to buy notebooks and pens, writing feverishly out of pure necessity... However, a few years ago something strange and still frightening befell me... My once impeccable handwriting became an illegible scrawl...utter chicken scratch. And despite my desperate need to understand the why of this, mental health professionals have dismissed it... One inpatient pyschiatrist told me," I don't know why your handwriting has deteriorated. I don't suspect it is caused by anything neurological " So...here I am, babbling away in a rare moment of being awake enough to.type on this little phone as my laptop decided to stop working and right now can't afford a new one... I keep trying to start topics here, but but have just been so overly sedated with the titration of my pregablin that I can barely keep awake to write... At the moment I am very anxious, feel.it right in my core, my heart weighed down by a thousand lb anvil on my chest, unable to stop clenching my jaw, needing to weep cathartic tears, but halted...feeling fearful, and this horrible sense that " something terrible is going to happen." I just took my evening dose of buspirone and pray it soothes me. It has proven to be a good med for me. However it causes me the same maddening brain zaps a short while after taking it that are reminiscent of my long ago tapering off effexor... When I first started taking the buspirone and told Dr.S ( my pyschiatrist and therapist) about the brain zaps he asked me if i felt it to be a " deal breaker" side effect, but I told him although they are annoying the benefits of this med outweigh this sude effect... I am on the maximum dose now, and thank God have yet to build up a tolerance to it. What else? Maybe things to open up about here on the other boards of this forum, but if ok, would be so grateful if I could use this safe space to share and vent...as annoying and self absorbed as it may be... Thank you for enduring this first entry if you have. I will have a look around the rest of the forum now... Love and Peace and Healing to you all. ❤️

@Lavender I am so sorry you too are plagued with panic attacks,and I can relate to how the sensation of cold can bring you out of it... I either use an.ice pack on the back of my neck, or stand under a cold shower for as long as I can stand it...( people with heart problems should avoid cold showers though) I also try as hard as I can to talk myself down, at first, frantically and desperately repeating," I'm ok I'm I'm ok...until the repetition of these words slows down... I also attempt to.pray,but in the midst of the attack, my prayer is also a desperate," Please God help me!" It helps as well, to remember that my beloved pyschiatrist/ therapist always tells me," Your adrenaline will eventually drop." Admittedly I never trust this, but he is always right about this, although often it takes a long time to drop... My GAD, OCD, and CPTSD trigger my panic attacks, my heart goes out to all of you with a dx of panic disorder which I do not suffer from and can only imagine how horrible it must be to have frequent and debilitating panic attacks...

Numb

Carrie Fisher

Bruce Springsteen

Good evening!

Cashier at McEvil where I bought a 1.88 black iced coffee...

Return from the park across the street from my place, where inside it is probably 40 C, but soon need to escape the impending thunderstorm that is brewing in the strong winds and overcast sky...

Nunavit

The park, and variety store.

Clean. Ugh.

Hot, sunny, and humidity.

1:00 PM exactly.

Jittery

Jasper,Alberta, 🇨🇦

5 minutes until "Good afternoon!"

Good afternoon!

So far, at 5:21 AM here, blessedly cool.

Go to church.