Autumn75

Continue to sir in the park where its cooler out. Catch up on emails.

Humid. Bad air quality. Blue sky as the sun comes up, promising another,"Extreme Heat Warning."

6:50 AM

Despondent.

Neil Young

When he kept insisting the sun reloves around the earth and I stated to even doubt what I learned in grade 1 science... Red flags but didn't see them at first, stumbled upon a website listing all the signs and he had every box checked off....

Yes, indeed, good name!

"Extreme Heat Warning "....uh...yeah I'll say...humid and bad air quality too.

9:15 PM

Go up.into my little apartment where it is about 45 C with no a/c, take a bracing cold shower, pour a glass of cold lemon and turmeric water. Take my night meds.

McEvil black iced coffee.

McEvil black iced coffee.

Uncertain.

Good evening!

Scared. Overwhelmed.Confused. Exhausted.

Thank you so much. I appreciate the strength in your words.

Thank you for the validation. It means a lot. Feeling such shame and guilt andvself loathing...

Variety store cashier.

*TW* Sexual Harrassment So. Yesterday I went to my old mission church where I promised myself I would never return. The morning service was beautiful and I sang, I welled up with tears at the last reading... I really wanted to talk to the priest I so love there, but as I was waiting for him ( he was busy with somebody else, and not knowing what to do as I felt very unwelcome, very uncomfortable in that environment, (which is just one reason I left that church a few months ago, but never found another one) I walked down the street and ran into this guy who frequents there, whom I have talked to a couple times and... Ok. I was dressed for church-a dress that comes up just at my knees, a black sweater and jacket...felt conservative enough.. This guy came up to me and I talked to him awhile again. He left. I walked back to the church. And *TW* He said,"I like your skirt. Goes great with your legs.Maybe we should get together sometime." I, of course, SMILED, and walked away towards the church SAYING NOTHING. The priest was still busy, I felt very out of place, sat down on the stairs outside abd some other guy said "Good morning, blue eyes." And...I felt and feel this is all my fault for being kind, friendly, giving them the wrong idea... And this is not the first time something like this has happened to me at that mission. It made me want to starve myself to emaciation again-be a horror show to every eye that sees me. I went " home" and fell asleep. I didn't wake up until around I don't even remember now...6:30 ish AM? ( Sorry that's for the medication board) I checked my voicemail. Message from my old priest...he said he was sorry he was busy, he saw me sitting at the table waiting, but guessed I had left, but he would have time to talk if I came back-so this must have been sometime in the early afternoon... I called M. at around 7:30 this morning to ask him if he was going to church ( he goes to a different church I have been considering visiting with him) ..but of course he didn't answer, figured he was still asleep. Hw called me back around 10 ish...I told him what happened ( had already texted him about it yesterday but of course my head is looping with obsessiveness.) and be asked .w," What were you wearing?" And THEN I got angry and said,"I don't care if I wasn't wearing anything, he had no right to-." But then I frantically said,"I was wearing that dress you saw me in,it comes right to the knee!" And I said I called you at 7:30 to see if you wete going to church, I'm sorry." He said no, not going. It's over at 10:30 anyway. I found myself babbling about what some priest from Mount Athos had said about knowing whether you have a good priest and blah blah blah about the church I went back to yesterday and how the priest called me and how confused I am blah blah blah... He had to go.Said he'd call me later. I fell asleep again, so uncharacteristic of me... Woke up confused. Looked up this other church I had visited once and not been embraced, but for the parish priest...saw on their schedule that have a service tonight at 7. Think I will email the priest at the other church/mission and tell him what happened with that guy... But on the other hand, want to leave that place for good this time. Why do I keep getting myself into these situations? Where is my voice? Times like these I listen to Tori Amos' "Silent all these years "... What a strong and talented woman.. Wish I could be more like her. Wish she could sit across from me over coffee and...listen to me with empathy. Or, maybe I don't deserve empathy. I was nice, I smiled, I was wearing a dress. And...this has been happening since I was 16 years old. So then it MUST be my fault,somethingg about me, sonething written on my forehead. I despise myself. I hate my body. And...ashamed to put this here, but nobody to listen... I don't have even one close female friend anymore.. Anyway..more to dump on my landfill site of CPTSD.... Hope I haven't tr7ggered any of you...

I let my place go due to having zero energy, zero motivation, extreme fatigue, chronic pain...and now lack of cash to do my laundry... I need some help...supportive housing worker coming Monday to help me. And she has applied to the government for a homemaker for me...ironically the last job I held was as a homemaker for the elderly and disabled....

Tidy,clean, and go to church.

Hot sunny, and humid.

11:36 AM

Again, overmedicated and both over slept and under slept and unhealthy and hate this weather. .

Good morning at 8:19 AM here.