Autumn75

38 C and sunny...outside. Must be double that in my place. Losing my mind!!!

6:17 PM

Ralph Fiennes

Anxious.

Yes, I am chronically plagued by intense guilt...but guilt itself of course is in itself a common symptom if depression. I am often asked by mental health professionals in emerg if I feel guilt...

Turesday 24 June, 2025 9:34 AM Ugh...sorry didn't post my last entry last night...didn't realise I hadn't hit post...wanted to share my day yesterday and haven't it in me to re write it... Anyway, my meds ended up knocking me put maybe around 11 ish PM? I skept blessedly solidly through the night and I recall no nightmares, no intense dreams meant for daily psychoanalysis... I woke up with a start. Terribly hot in my place. So outside now ( again)...McEvil black iced coffee. McEvil so crowded with constructive workers buying coffee and disgusting sausage egg mcmuffins... My battery is at 11%. Sodrowsy last night neglected to change my phone so do need to return THERE in a bit. Cold shower. Point the stupid Walmart fan at myself, languish... I just took my morning meds and already have brain zaps from my buspirone. Bit it's ok, i can endure the brain zaps, buspirone has been a beautiful drug fur my GAD..thank God I have yet to build up a tolerance to it... I did go down the street to get pizza last night...very stupid to go out on my street just befure midnight...oh guess thst means I fell asleep after 11... Oh my pregablin brain! Anyway, always find myself wishing I had a pit bull or rottweiler to protect me when i go out at night. .Of course even in this park with the tennis courts l, in broad daylight have been accosted here.. Just thethe other day I was sitting on one of the park benches and some guy sat down next to me, startedtelling me his life story ( I listened! Again, ir must be my fault for trying to be a decent human being) Anyway he started to try and guess my ethnic background and eneded up trying to convert me to his religion. With that I got up and left.What's wrongwith me? What is written on my forehead? And if you give them the cold shoulder thry call you a b***... I'm sorry to babble on boringly about nothing new... The horrible June sunshine, even before noon when it is high in the sky is pummeling me... I am almost put of sunscreen and can't afford t8 buy more until Monday. I am very fair skinned, I am afraid of ageing... My...boyfriend I guess, again, "M" gets in my cade about how I slather sunscreen all over me. Says Jr's toxic. And maybe so, but... Whatever... Ok...Phone at 5%...am " hone" moe, will charge it a bit now. And time for another cold shower... Sending you all healing and love. Thank you for reading if you have.❤️ ugh sorry for mote stupid typos!!! No energy to fix them all, do hope this was somewhat coherent....

Monday. 23 June, 2025 9:04 PM It has been a long day...not that I accomplished much. Just got back from McEvil and it isa lot cooler outside than in my place. I have spent most of the day in the park, under maple trees, amid the clover...black iced coffees or toxic coke zero. I had sent a text to my housing worker that it's hotter in my place than it is outside. When she finally got back to me she saidsomething like. Just waiting on the contractor." Um ..have been " waiting on the contractor " for like 6 years now, and last year she told me the part for my a/c was...no joke, stuck in China. That's how cheap my slum lords are. Anyway, I had had enough. Remembered that my old pharmacist years ago now when I was still on chlorpromazine told me that the drug causes heat sensitivity and he was not thrille that my housing hadn't fixed my air conditioner..Said how important it is for keeping to keep cool... So called my new pharmacist, and I asked him about the nozinan ( ancient, rarely used anymore AP that works well for me) that I have been in for a few months whether it too could cause heat sensitivity. He looked it up, and said no, but that however my medsneed to be stored between20-30 C. So.i texted my housing worker that. I also had left a message for my pyschiatrist and as always he kindly returned my call. I told him how hot it is in my place, and what my pharmacist had said, but he said, no, actually the medication you're onDOES cause heat sensitivity. So I asked him if he would be willing g to write a letter stating that for medical reasons I require air conditioning. He told me he would be happy to write a medical.note, and indeed typed it up as I was talking to him. He really js an amazing doctor and therapist. I am very lucky to have him. Anyway, he emailed me the note and I forwarded it to my housing worker. She didn't get back to me, but then I had to get.outta my oven.of an apartment and poor her she ran into me in the stair well. She looked stressed out. She said she forwarded my medical note to " management " but " waiting on the contractor " Must be the cheapest laziest most incompetent " contractor " my housing could find, as usual. She saidmany tenants are still without a/c, and I clearly recall her agreeing with me last summer that is a health issue. I apologised that she had to get that letter, that I had been unsure of her manager's name otherwise would have cc'd them, but she told me its OK, the letter will help her advocate for me. I really feel empowered that I did not keep quiet about this, slinked away, afraid of authority as I always am. I just want to not be in agony in my own place...cold showers and stupid Walmart fan they got me thinking that would be good enough for me. I don't know how much ammunition Dr.S.S' letter will be, however back in April whenmy asthma came out of a 20 year remission and I had to be hospitalised, I told the doctors that there was( likely still is) mould in my apartment andthe doctor wrote a stern note which made them move quickly to...yes, send in more " contractors" whom ended up ransacking my place , leaving me to sweep up ( and with my asthma bl**dy inhale) drywall dust.. Anyway, forgive me, rambling again... I wish I could still wrote legibly long hand, I so miss my notebooks and pens, so so do appreciate this space to vent and process... My housing worker sayd,"Well we just got rid of your portable one..." ( Thry gave sone portable one about 3 or 4 yead ago thst I reminded her has NEVER even worked. I feel bad for her. Bjt, I am a livid at " management ".. thry sure want your bl**dy rent on time of course. I dm t know if they will take a doctor's letter more seriously ( expiedently, notmy bl**dy next January...) I was surprised she didn't tell me to well, store your medication in your fridge." How now the situation is more dire, coming from Dr.S.. I have noticed I am more light headed, don't feel very well except when the eveningsOUTSIDE are alot more bearable, but can̈t really stay in the park all night, and McEvil had abig warning sign" 30 minite seating g,We will be patrolling" So disgusting as homeless people take cool refuge there, with enough change fo at least a coffee... I hate spending money there, bur the better of than the new cafes charge like 6/7 bucks for a coffee around here... So mlw, have taken my night meds, but no idea if this will be another night they wo ny kick in again..insomnia, , nightmares,parasomnias...all have have plaiged me since i was a kid.. however early this morning., woke up...sort of, eas half asleep talking away, found myself having g walked into a wall by my bed...can't ever recall sleep walking, acting outmy dreams... Didn't check the time. Just crashed into a deep sleep again until whatever time I woke up...and headed of course.,over to McEvil, sat in the park.... I expect will end up there early tomorrow morning. I haven't eaten all day. Now the closet store open is a long dangerous walk away, and mostly " junk"...know not supposed to label foods " good and bad", but thats meant for the ED board... I am considering going down the block for a pizza with that terrible vegan cheese ( I am fasting from milk, meat and cheese for the Apostle's Fast...not too terribly tough to do given I rarely eat dairy and haven't eaten meat fjr years, the toughest part of the fast with my fatigue a d scattered mind is increasing my prayer life...i am not doing so well with that. ) Things with my ex,now apparently present relationship are going well, well butI am still confused and bewildered... Ok...guess pizza, non dairy cheese is calling me... Better go before they close... Ed 'voice " already berating me about " bad" carbohydrates... But...going to listen to my body. So more than enough for now. Thank you for reading If you have... *Oh...sorry somehow I neglected to hit post last night, since this was saved will post it now. A new day, another already awful hot, humid, and sunny morning... Please forgive typos....I really need to buy a new laptop, so hard to type on this little phone...

9:05 AM

8:52 PM

Good evening

Lovely @Lavender ! Thank you so much!

Was wondering if it might be good to have a safe PTSD/CPTSD board? Know the site is still growing, bur just a gently suggested idea...

Cold showers, sit in front ofstupid little Walmart fan my slum lords think is good enough for me to be cool.

3:22 PM

My pyschiatrist/therapist.

Frustrated.

McEvil, Park,variety store.

Oh, @Enigma ...I empathise. Make sure you're keeping hydrated

Oh so glad it's cooler where you are @Lavender....I hope it doesn't get as horriblyhot and humid where you are.

Brandon, Manitoba

35 C outside, must be 46 C ( at least)inside my.place with no a/c.

Goodmorning!

So far just McEvil for a black iced c9ffee.

Wrong thread sorry! I am clued out. How am I feeling? Full of dread.

Polite (For a change) caahie4 at McEvil.