Autumn75

While my OCD makes meditation outright dangerous for me, and also having had so much DBT over the past few years and found it really useless, I now know prayer to be my to be my tine of meditation. I struggle with mindfulness, but do catch myself feeling grounded and at peace just sitting beneath a majestic old maple tree among the clover, listening intently at the morning's delightful bird songs... I must try better to call up.upon such moments in my frequent bouts of extreme anxiety and outright terror and intrusive thoughts and despondency...but, admittedly...I do not try hard enough...

It is 10:32 AM, and all morning so far, despite my heavy med regimen my anxiety has been intensifying and festering and now I just want to weep. But the tears won't come-they are just...stuck behind my eyes. I called my pyschiatrist and therapist's office really really needing to talk to him as I am becoming unhinged.. Just took my mid morning meds, I am going to the store now, I ought to go fir a walk but my physical pain, my lack of stamina, the sunshine, the heat.. Excuses. Don't want to be in my apartment, don't want to be out in the world... I know so, so many times I have frantically left crazy messages fir Dr.S ( when he had a personal voice mail) and he hadn't been able to call me back until the very end of the day, usually by then my anxiety will have abated, although I would generally still be plagued by my OCD, but his perspective was always that,"Your anxiety is usually worse in the morning, and by the time I talk to you you are feeling better." He also over the years has kept reassuring me that,"Your adrenaline will eventually drop " But in these moments where all I feel is a heavy weight on my chest, looping maddening thoughts, clenched jaw, upset stomach, avoiding food...( Not only due to my struggle with anorexia, but that anxiety simply robs me of an appetite.) I just have a lot of trouble ( despite being saturated with DBT over the past few years) " being in the moment "... I dunno if I am posing a question here, sharing I guess... I am sending you all only serenity... ❤️🕊❤️

Yes, I am the same way. I think most of my life, have felt as though I needed to apologise fir my very existence...

Tuesday 15 July, 2025 8:24 AM Good morning from Canada everyone... Well, it took ages for my night meds to kick in last night. Finally started getting sleepy around 10 ish PM last night, sitting on my street in the dark on a bench, went home, not sure now what time I fell asleep. Slept solidly through the night. Again, no nightmares or bewildering dreams, at least that Ican recall, thanks be to God. Anyway, woke up, still have a migraine, a d if it lasts two more days will have to go to emerg I guess. A long time since I have had to go to emerg for a migraine not responding to otc's... I took my morning meds about an hour ago, yet am very anxious and nkt sure whether today is when Dr.S is supposed to call me...at any rate right at 9 will call his office, ask him to please call me back. His receptionist always immediately sends the message to Dr.S through their fancy computer system. Will feel ridiculous if it is indeed today he js calling for a " check in" call.. I don't like these check in calls. I have to ramble on crazily trying to fit all my "issues" and " updates" in the 10 minutes he usually has between patients... He will interrupt me with,"Unfortunately I do have to run, but we have a session next week.. " I shouldn't complain. He is devoted to me. Has vowed never to " fire" me, even when I am being difficult.. Need to ask him if he believes that I have made any progress at all in the past over a decade I have been his patient.. I mean, this past year I have been chronically in crisis. In and out of hospital, beibg reckless, maladaptive coping mechanisms, seeking help they always promise, and has never really " stabalized" me... I assure you all, I am not currently in crisis, but this...bleak state of stagnation remains. ...I was supposed to have gone to my boyfriend's church this morning, for the feast day of the discovery of The Mother of God's robes in Jerusalem. I told him last night I " am a mess, really need a church."... So, I got dressed, but hadn't put my hair up yet, Called M., he answered and asked if I wanted him to pick me up... But of course, despite my prayers last night, this sense that this was/is right, gave way to my usual avoidance of my terror of the unknown... I told him I still gave the remnants of my migraine, and that if it doesn't get any better will have to go to emerg for a shot...or, whatever that'd give me. He was understanding, but called me back a couple minutes later urging me to ccome with him, that there wouldn't be many people this morning, that," Maybe you'll feel better if you come." I then felt as though my words were stuttered. Of course was extremely apologetic, worried he was mad-he didn'tseem to be, but he may very well lecture me later. I think I might email a priest from a parish I have visted...the Sunday I went the priest ended up not being there, away in Alaska for the feast day of a particular Saint...I was warmly welcomed and I smiled at the mothers with their infants who knew just how to venerate the icons...bit as there was no priest it was not a Liturgy. I stayed for the vegetarian food, ( it was a fasting period), but ate nervously alone while others gathered in a closed circle right behind me, and I quickly left feeling so alone and confused... And confusion is all I have felt since leaving my old church, so confused I have even been back a couple times, singing with the joy of the spirit, going g there one day to eat as I had no food nor cash... I emailed my old priest and he was willing to make time to have a coffee with me and talk, but we never did, I kept missing g him...rhe day I went fjr lunch one woman there whom seems to hate me turned and gave me such a dirty look...and I felt alone again, isolated in my heartfelt desire to pray, to fo what fjr the pastnearly 5 years with my ED, I have refused to do-to eat with the community... Now, my priest is away for two months, the Sunday service is not a full Liturgy, bjt the deacon will preside o er the Sunday services. He is allowed to give Holy Communion which I need desperately... Desperately...didn't I also already use that word on this entry? Desperation. I may be safe right now, and nkt in crisis, but I feel overwhelmed by my head that won't stop going from, thought yo thought to thought, unable to make this vital spiritual decision.. I just ought to pray on it, but my prayers are scattered, undisciplined, I have lost my habit of prayer... I feel shakey now, should eat...should eat, should eat, hafta eat... Well, I have rambled in far too much here, forgive me. Need to charge my phone, but first call Dr.S' office beg to talk to him... So with that I say, thank you fjr readingyou have and Love and Peace and Healing to you all. ❤️🕊❤️

6:38 AM

These are empowering words. I had to go no contact with " family" for, as it says here, my own PEACE. Thank you so much for sharing.🩷

My pain has been terrible today. Add to my sciatica a two day migraine that has made me quite the miserable person to endure. I am very discouraged that there might not be in sight-I saw a neurosurgeon who said he didn't see the need fjor surgery on my spine. He told me he would have my GP refer me to a pain clinic. In the meantime, today I smiled, passing some beautiful gardens on my street, and derived much comfort in Scripture and prayer.

Fredrickton

3:59 PM

Monday 14 July 2025 9:11 AM Good morning from Canada everyone.. I must have fallen asleep around 12:30 ish AM? I woke up to my 2 AM alarm, went back to sleep, as usual woke up to my own voice whining that I didn't want to get up. Can't recall any nightmares or even just bizarre dreams full of indecipherable meaning, but I don't feel rested. No more coffee filters or paper towels so couldn't make a coffee, so here I am with a McEvil black iced coffee, sitting beneath my old beloved maple tree. The pollen count must be high as my allergies are raging. I feel shakey and of course my sciatica is bad this morning. I spent the entire weekend cleaning which really put a strain on my body but at least my bathroom looks better and my kitchen. Also finally organised a couple closets. I feel....oh I FEEL I FEEL I FEEL... Like I need to weep, great cathartic tears. I feel alone right now, and wish I could just go back to sleep. A few months ago I was regularly popping my night meds in the afternoon, sleeping until I would awaken confused but a lot more at peace in the silence of the night... Tempting to start doing that again, but trying my best to be "compliant " as Dr.S kept saying he wanted to see what my meds are doing or aren't doing once I started taking them as prescribed. The days are endless though, and I still find summertime to be rough on my mood. I want to stop the pregablin ( with the guidance of Dr.S of course, would never stop on my own, this drug I have read has horrible withdrawal effects) as it is doing zero for my chronic pain and the somnulance is too heavy to try and live with, even though Dr.S 'perspective is that "You seem a lot calmer." ,and,"You're sleeping better.".... I guess but how could HE function on it? The last time I talked to him he told me he has patients for whom the somnulance dissipates after awhile.... But I don't want to take it anymore. Dr.S is supposed to call me this week but of course I can't remember what day-hoping it's today. Not that he'll have a ton of time. At least next week I have a full therapy session with him. It's been so long though andI won't even know where to begin with him, what to focus on...I know I have a lot of questions for him. I am not sure why I feel so sad right now... I have been up for awhile and should eat-I don't feel like it though. I am just so tired. My meds are being delivered this evening, my boyfriend told me yesterday he would come do my laundry again which is so good of him. I really can't manage well the long walk to.the laundromat lugging a heavy bag of laundry... Finished my coffee. Could use another one. Could do with a single female friend too... I still need to find a church and a new spirtual father. My boyfriend really wants me to come to his church with him, but I was too sick on the weekend. He said it was packed anyway. I would not have been comfortable. My social anxiety borders on social phobia, and the small talk question,"So what do you do?" forever looms... I haven't been able to work in years. In fact, my longest hospitalisation when I turned 26, I had passes to continue going out to my job everyday until my pyschiatrist told me I needed to stop working. Dr.S has never pushed me to try and go back to work. . .Anyway, I need to go to the store. I need to take my allergy medication. I need to do a lot of things. Thank you for reading if you have... Love and Peace and Healing to you all. ❤️🕊❤️

Hello all... Just wondering whether any of you have IBS... I was dxd about 25 years ago with IBS C/D. Stress and anxiety and not eating the right foods can trigger a flare. It's a nightmarish condition to live with on top of everything else...

Cooler here too!

7:58 AM

Calgary

2:24 AM

Thank you for sharing all these comforting and strengthing parts of The Scriptures.🩷 @Enigma ... God Bless you.🕊

Social situations. New experiences. And CPTSD triggers.

8:40 PM

I broke my toe last year, then a couple months later fractured all my ribs. Thank you, anorexia nervosa...

Platypus.

Lethargic.

For years I have been accused that," You have nothing to apologise for." Or," You apologise too much." To which, you know how I respond, eyes looking at the ground, "I'm sorry." My last hospital admission I felt I was apologising for breathing, especially to nasty nurses. I know the root of this-a lifetime of feeling fearful, of not being allowed a voice...but such is meant to be delved into on the PTSD board... Anyway, does your low self esteem cause you to," apologise too much"? I can't seem to help myself as I just don't...feel entitled to make mistakes, and I hate the idea of offending anyone, or making them angry with me... It is a total reflex action. And as I said, I tend to shamefully apologise...simply for apologising...

Oh! How sweet!❤️ Thank you for making my morning!🙂

Welcome, welcome, @Lee 🙂!

Good morning.