sabrina

At the end of the day, we’re the children. My mum was Polish and was born in 1960 so you can imagine what views she was presented with. She said that she was taught that was how she had to think about gay people but ended up realising that why does it matter? Let people live. Even if you don’t get your closure in that sense, she still knew you. Of course sexual orientation can be a big part of yourself but there’s so much more to you as a person too. My parents definitely can’t tell when someone is gay or not. They thought my older brother may be gay because he’s quite ‘camp’. However, he is married to a woman! I grew up wearing a lot of guy’s clothes and my parents were totally fine with it. I don’t think my mum even realised they were men’s clothes sometimes and saw it as cool. Just goes to show what exposure can do hey? If someone isn’t going to be in your life because of sexual orientation then that’s on them. It must suck to lose contact with people because of that, especially when they aren’t willing to come through. Keep being you though, there isn’t any shame.

I come from a Catholic family by background and was told from a young age that being gay was one of the worst things you could do. I also grew up in the 00s so before gay marriage was legalised as I honestly think that was a turning point slightly in rights. My school still remained pretty homophobic and the school didn’t do enough about it. I didn’t realise I was into girls until I was around 14 years old. Due to my upbringing and seeing how gay people were treated at school, it made me feel depressed. I told a friend who took it well and life went on. There was no way I could be openly gay at school though. So, I became a bit more comfortable with telling people who weren’t at school that I was gay at around 16 years old. That helped and having those surroundings helped me to process it and accept it. I couldn’t let my family know though but I told myself I would say it if I was ever directly asked. Ages 16-18 were definitely years of trying to understand my sexual orientation. I knew I didn’t like guys as I had only ever really felt feelings for one in my whole life and I don’t know if I would call it that looking back. Again, felt sad about it but tried to focus on my life. I would say age 18-21 I grew a lot more comfortable about being gay. I became out to more and more friends that I met but found it awkward to address with certain people. But I felt happier and more free, especially at uni. I told my mum I was into girls when I was like 20 or 21 maybe as she directly asked after finding out my sister had a girlfriend. That didn’t go too well for me but she came around a lot before her passing. I think having her come around like that made me find a lot of peace in it actually. Not to say that my internalised homophobia was solely due to her. It was a mixture of things. Me today, I have grown a lot. I still have to stay closeted in certain situations but I’ve gotten better with it. I don’t have that internal hate toward myself anymore but I can feel fear when I think about certain people knowing. So yeah, be you and be proud.

Anniversaries and holidays will approach and sting but it does help to have people around you. My mum passed away Christmas Day 2022 - I was only 23 (about to be 24). Her passing itself was very hard but there was a build up to it - anticipatory grief is heavy. I have felt weird on every Christmas ever since. It’s like the universe is testing me! But I think Christmas time is the main time of the year where people aren’t expected to work and come together anyways for family and in a weird way, that’s comforting and forces me to be around people. I wanted to give up on it and not celebrate but it’s pretty much impossible not to and to try do something like that would actually be me purposefully trying to emotionally hurt myself. It’s unavoidable but each year I feel myself getting into some Christmas spirit a bit more. Her birthday, however, sinking feeling. In fact it’s on Thursday this week and I have felt the grief depression come back. But hey, this is the price you pay for love.

I experience anxiety quite badly sometimes and it can feel unbearable. I can feel out of control. I take my propranolol medication if I feel the physical sensations and try to allocate worry time. The idea of worry time is to let yourself get the thoughts out and worry so that you can free up the rest of the time and day. Doesn’t always work though if it’s ongoing and on my mind. Sometimes I fixate too much too and I think it can end up annoying other people as I can go on and on and on! It’s something I am working on.

Riding the wave sometimes helps. It’s often used for addiction and anxiety but essentially the concept is to sit with that emotion for a while as it will peak then go back down. Try not to act on that emotion. Easier said than done of course. Breathing techniques probably help too and stress balls etc. Maybe writing down the angry thoughts then ripping it up!

Everyone is different. I had pretty bad nausea which went with time and was reduced if I took the meds at night instead of during the day. I also had runny poos and ended up pooing myself.

This is really important. I also try to have a loose plan and routine for that day. I also communicate with the people around me.

When I went to therapy, the therapist told me to have realistic expectations. She told me that my depression will never completely go away or be ‘cured’ but that’s something that I can come to terms with and accept, which I did. It really helped my outlook to be kinder to myself and to appreciate my progress. I also stopped being so harsh toward myself for when I felt like I wasn’t progressing or things were going backwards. While you are in the deep end of it, it can feel like it’s never ending or all you’ve ever known. But just like how good times will come then go, bad times will do the same too. I used to get caught up a lot in it and sure I still have bad days, but I have ways to cope better. In terms of coping skills, you have to find what works for you. There are some that are proven to be a bit more effective in people though like mindfulness. Look at the ABC model. See what behaviours and alternative thoughts you can think of to help break the cycle.

Twice. I’ve been working in healthcare for over 5 years and never got it from there ironically enough. I contracted it the first time at a music gig as rules were a lot more relaxed and the second time from my dad.