sabrina

Pee- Privates 🤪

Will be thinking of you.

I realised that I liked girls when I was 14 years old. I had a crush on one of my friends but nothing became of it. I didn’t really know any other queer people, especially females, and my school wasn’t the best environment to be gay in so I kept it to very small friend circle. I used ‘bisexual’ as a soft term for it as I think part of the journey when you’re gay or lesbian is to accept that you don’t like the sex that you’re meant to by society. That’s the harder part than accepting that you like the same-sex. I remember the first friend I told about this and thankfully she took it well. I had an e-flirty situation-ship when I was 16 and I think having that romantic connection solidified for me that I liked girls. But part of me wanted to also like guys even if I didn’t have intention to date them. I think it was more when girls talk about hot guys and stuff but that wasn’t me. Plus, male attention is a lot easier to obtain than female attention, in my opinion. I think that situationship gave me the confidence to tell a slightly bigger circle of people that I liked girls and connected me with a gay male friend. I remember he was like ‘do you like her?’. So it felt natural and smooth. First female relationship was when I was 18 years old. Same with first female kiss versus first male kiss at 13 years old (whoops). The first girlfriend didn’t last long. At uni it was easier to say I was into girls because of fresh people who only knew me that way. Some guys would speculate about my sexual orientation as I am a bit of a stereotype, hahaha. I’ll save more of my coming out stuff for later. But that’s my internal journey and early teenage years. My journey started around the time gay marriage was legalised here in the UK.

It’s everything. It’s about being you and celebrating you, the good, the bad and the ugly. ;)

At the end of the day, we’re the children. My mum was Polish and was born in 1960 so you can imagine what views she was presented with. She said that she was taught that was how she had to think about gay people but ended up realising that why does it matter? Let people live. Even if you don’t get your closure in that sense, she still knew you. Of course sexual orientation can be a big part of yourself but there’s so much more to you as a person too. My parents definitely can’t tell when someone is gay or not. They thought my older brother may be gay because he’s quite ‘camp’. However, he is married to a woman! I grew up wearing a lot of guy’s clothes and my parents were totally fine with it. I don’t think my mum even realised they were men’s clothes sometimes and saw it as cool. Just goes to show what exposure can do hey? If someone isn’t going to be in your life because of sexual orientation then that’s on them. It must suck to lose contact with people because of that, especially when they aren’t willing to come through. Keep being you though, there isn’t any shame.

I come from a Catholic family by background and was told from a young age that being gay was one of the worst things you could do. I also grew up in the 00s so before gay marriage was legalised as I honestly think that was a turning point slightly in rights. My school still remained pretty homophobic and the school didn’t do enough about it. I didn’t realise I was into girls until I was around 14 years old. Due to my upbringing and seeing how gay people were treated at school, it made me feel depressed. I told a friend who took it well and life went on. There was no way I could be openly gay at school though. So, I became a bit more comfortable with telling people who weren’t at school that I was gay at around 16 years old. That helped and having those surroundings helped me to process it and accept it. I couldn’t let my family know though but I told myself I would say it if I was ever directly asked. Ages 16-18 were definitely years of trying to understand my sexual orientation. I knew I didn’t like guys as I had only ever really felt feelings for one in my whole life and I don’t know if I would call it that looking back. Again, felt sad about it but tried to focus on my life. I would say age 18-21 I grew a lot more comfortable about being gay. I became out to more and more friends that I met but found it awkward to address with certain people. But I felt happier and more free, especially at uni. I told my mum I was into girls when I was like 20 or 21 maybe as she directly asked after finding out my sister had a girlfriend. That didn’t go too well for me but she came around a lot before her passing. I think having her come around like that made me find a lot of peace in it actually. Not to say that my internalised homophobia was solely due to her. It was a mixture of things. Me today, I have grown a lot. I still have to stay closeted in certain situations but I’ve gotten better with it. I don’t have that internal hate toward myself anymore but I can feel fear when I think about certain people knowing. So yeah, be you and be proud.

Twice. I’ve been working in healthcare for over 5 years and never got it from there ironically enough. I contracted it the first time at a music gig as rules were a lot more relaxed and the second time from my dad.